1 Shall Stand. 15 Shall Fall. 2010 NBA Playoffs Preview

As a young child, only two things really mattered to me: Transformers and Larry Bird. My dad says I used to sleep walk out to the living room at 6 AM just to watch Transformers and that I would scour the cardboard backing of the toys as if I could read them. My Larry Bird swoon didn’t hit me until a little later. It was when I was looking for a VHS to watch (presumably because I had lost my copy of “Transformers: The Movie”) and came across my Dad’s copy of “Larry Bird: A Basketball Legend.” Prior to that, my only exposure to Larry Bird came from the “Jordan vs. Bird” NES game (which I destroyed all my cousins in, because they were suckers and always picked Jordan, leaving me to drain 3’s as Bird) and the Larry Bird shirts I noticed my Dad wearing. I asked my Dad if this Larry Bird guy was any good and he simply said, “Yeah.” So I watched it. And I was amazed. Too bad by that point he was already in the twilight of his career. Optimus Prime and Larry Bird. That was my childhood.

As a 25-year-old (alleged) adult, not much has changed. In fact, I could argue that I love the Transformers and Larry Bird now more than I did back then. Or, at least, I am able to fully comprehend just how much I love them. The back of my truck features an Autobot trailer hitch cover and a Boston Celtics license plate holder. I regularly wear the Larry Bird black Converse Weapon ’86. I often buy my cousin’s little girls Transformers (and they love them). My poor niece will have more Celtics shirts than my sister will know what to do with. I am often found to be rocking out to The Transformers: The Movie Soundtrack. And then, of course, there’s DVDs. In my childhood, all I had to tide me over once Transformers went off the air and Larry retired were those VHS copies of “Transformers: The Movie” and “Larry Bird: A Basketball Legend.” And that was if I could get the tracking to work on the VCR. Today I have both on Special Edition DVD, with tons of bonus features. I have the entire Transformers TV show on DVD, as well as close to a baker’s dozen complete Larry Bird games as well as all the six disc Celtics Dynasty DVD set, not to mention ESPN Classic, the recent HBO documentary, the sundry internet sites and the various books written on both subject matters. Oh, and YouTube. Gotta love the YouTube.

So, it only seems fitting that I combine my two greatest passions (and Passion gets me an automatic eight on the Daniel Bryan Manliness Meter) into my first real blog post: a 2010 NBA Playoffs Preview featuring quotes from “Transformers: The Movie” and the soundtrack. And by “Transformers: The Movie” I of course mean the real one. And by “real one” I of course do not mean the live action movie that came out in 2007. I mean the original animated movie that was released in 1986. The one with all the great lines. The one with the killer soundtrack. The one that shaped my life during my formative years. You know? The real one.

So, who's got The Touch? Who's got The Power?

Round One: FIGHT!
Eastern Conference
Cleveland Cavaliers vs. Chicago Bulls

Cleveland Cavaliers
Galvatron: Sweeps, terminate him!

The Cavs added Shaq in the off season as a way to combat Dwight Howard and the Orlando Magic. Except, they got him after they were eliminated from the Playoffs. And then Shaq kinda stunk during the Regular Season. But Shaq has been stinking during the Regular Season only to turn it up in the Playoffs for the better part of this millennium. Besides, even without any terribly significant contribution from Shaq, the Cavs still coasted to the best record in the NBA. Oh, and they have that LeBron James guy. He should be able to get a few baskets for them.


Chicago Bulls
Megatron: Such heroic nonsense.

The Bulls pushed the Celtics to a Game 7 in one of the greatest First Round Playoff Series of all time last year. And for an encore? A disappointing Regular Season. They finished the year out on somewhat of a hot streak and managed to sneak into the Playoffs right at the very end. Their prize? LeBron James.

The Pick:
LeBron is gonna be too much for the Bulls. After not even reaching the Finals last year (which I think he may or may not have done out of protest for those Nike Kobe and LeBron puppet commercials) LeBron is gonna be like Mo & Mabel in the mid-90's WWF: a Man On A Mission.
Cleveland: 4-0

Orlando Magic vs. Charlotte Bobcats

Orlando Magic
Grimlock: Me Grimlock not nice dino. Me bash brains.

After making it to the Finals last year by upsetting the Cleveland Cavaliers in the Eastern Conference Finals, the Magic went and got rid of one of the key components of that team (Hedo Turkoglu) and replaced him with a known head case (Vince Carter). They didn’t really miss Hedo too much in the Regular Season, and Hedo has done as close to nothing as physically possible on his new team, the Toronto Raptors. Vince Carter’s Playoff track record isn’t great, but perhaps now that he’s graduated from UNC that won’t be an issue.

Charlotte Bobcats
Perceptor: I fear the wounds are fatal.

Michael Jordan owns them now….and Gerald Wallace can rebound. That’s about all I got.

The Pick:
Dwight Howard's a beast. Plain and simple. I think the Magic are flawed, but those flaws won't hurt them at all against the Bobcats (who are the proverbial "we're just happy to be here" team).
Orlando: 4-1

Atlanta Hawks vs. Milwaukee Bucks
Atlanta Hawks
Springer: It's not hard to knock 'em down, it's getting 'em to stay down, that's the trick.

2 years ago the Atlanta Hawks pushed the eventual Champion Boston Celtics to 7 games in the first round. Now they are seeded higher than the Celtics. But are they ready to ascend into the upper echelon of the Eastern Conference?

Milwaukee Bucks
Dare - dare to believe you can survive/You hold the future in your hand
Dare - dare to keep all of your dreams alive/It's time to take a stand
And you can win, if you dare

It feels like the Bucks have been on the cusp of breaking through to the middle class of the East for years. This year some things came together for them. The Brandon Jennings draft pick worked out and they got some decent production out of Andrew Bogut.

The Pick:
I think this is the best first round matchup for the Bucks as far as the top 4 teams in the East go. They would've felt overwhelmed by the other three. But I still don't see them upsetting the Hawks. The Hawks already have a good amount of Playoff experience on their team and looked really impressive in the Regular Season (especially in their complete owning of the Boston Celtics).
Atlanta:4-2

Boston Celtics vs. Miami Heat: Miami
Boston Celtics
Iron Hide: Everytime I look into a monitor, Prime, my circuits sizzle. When are we gonna start bustin' Decepti-chops?
Optimus Prime: Iron Hide, I want you to make a special run to Autobot City on Earth.
Iron Hide: But Prime!
Optimus Prime: Listen, Iron Hide, we don’t have enough Energon to power a full scale assault.

The Celtics battled injuries all year and, as a result, chemistry issues. They still managed to fool many people during the Regular Season into thinking they were still an elite team in the NBA. And they are when they’re healthy. But they haven’t been healthy since the Bush Administration. So they’re not an elite team. They did have several quality wins over elite teams, but they also had some absolutely appalling losses. But that was the Regular Season and those were only single game wins and losses. How will they fair in a 7 Game Series? We know KG’s knees are bad. We know Paul Pierce always comes to play in the Playoffs. We know Rasheed will take bad 3’s. We know Doc Rivers will draw up last second plays for Big Bab-er, sorry, Glen Davis and give Tony Allen way too many minutes. So the biggest question mark is Point Guard Rajon Rondo. He went from being trade bait to signing a massive extension. The various team injuries caused him to fluctuate from facilitator to The Guy and back. He is a Triple-Double machine. He is also still very young and quite possibly a bit of a head case. When the Celtics won the Finals in 2008, Rondo was often times left wide open by the Lakers, and with good reason. Rondo wouldn’t shoot unless the shot clock was running out, no matter how wide open he was.

Miami Heat
Springer: I've got better things to do tonight than die.

Dwyane Wade is really, really, really, really, really, really good at basketball.

The Pick:
StarScream: Oh, how it pains me to do this.
Megatron: Wait, I still function!
StarScream: Wanna bet?
Miami: 4-3

Western Conference

Los Angeles Lakers vs. Oklahoma City Thunder

Los Angeles Lakers
The fortunate ones
To be fast and free and young
I want to count myself among
The fortunate ones
We won't be denied
We know that time is on our side
We've got the passion and the pride
We won't be denied

The Lakers looked like they were on cruise control for much of the Regular Season. It’s a common symptom for Year-After Championship teams.Their main concern is remembering how to find that extra gear. If they do that it’s very hard to foresee anyone standing in their way (Not tonight! Not tonight!.

Oklahoma City Thunder
Perceptor: Ultra Magnus, a cursory evaluation of Decepticon capability indicates a distinct tactical deficiency.
Ultra Magnus: In other words, Perceptor?
Springer: We're outnumbered!

It has been an absolute pleasure to watch Kevin Durant play this year. The Scoring Champ still has much room for improvement, which is scary. But this team is much more than KD, Russell Westbrook in particular. It is, however, their first year in the Playoffs, and they're getting fed to the wolves, and unfortunately not the Timberwolves.

The Pick:
I figure Durant's good for at least 1 game by himself, and the Lakers might take another night off altogether, but that's about it. This series would be insanely exciting if the First Round was still Best-of-5. Instead, it'll only be very exciting.
Los Angeles: 4-2

Dallas Mavericks vs. San Antonio Spurs

Dallas Mavericks
Kup: The Insecticons are in our way!
Hot Rod: Wrong! They're our way in!

Dallas looked like they were headed for another early round exit, until Mark Cuban asked himself, "What would The Situation do?" and committed The Robbery and stole (OK, traded for) Caron Butler. Now all of a sudden they have the 2 seed in the West.

San Antonio Spurs
Hot Rod: Not bad for an old-timer.
Kup: Old-timer? That's something you'll never be if you don't get back to the city.

I love Tim Duncan. Love him. He could have been named MVP in any season of the last decade, and I wouldn't have had a problem with it. I consider the Spurs to be last decade's dynasty, not the Lakers. Gregg Popovich is one of the few coaches in the Association who has a considerable positive impact on his players and team. There may be less than a handful of players who can guard Tony Parker. Their only real weakness is their age/health.

The Pick:
All good things must come to an end. Would I be surprised if the Spurs upset the Mavs in Round 1? No. Not at all. The Mavs have a history of choking in Round 1 and the Spurs seem to always pull out a Tim Duncan 3-pointer right when they need it. But I think this is the year the wheels fall of the Spurs, or the Spurs fall of the horse, or whatever. Insert your own pun.
Dallas: 4-1

Phoenix Suns vs. Portland Trailblazers

Phoenix Suns
Megatron: Their defenses are broken, let the slaughter begin!

The Suns are back to doing what they do best: Running and/or Gunning in 7 seconds or less. It never quite got them to the Finals before, but it is the right style for them and they reach their maximum potential this way. Despite a bad back, Steve Nash is showing no signs of slowing down.

Portland Trailblazers
Kup: Of all the circuit-glitched, diode-blown dimwittery! You left a piece out!

I am so disappointed that Brandon Roy is having surgery and will miss the First Round that I can barely bring myself to write 3 sentences about the TrailBlazers. Even with minimal output from Oden, they were one of the most exciting, young teams, and mainly because of Roy. This sucks.
The Pick:
I was really looking forward to this series, and the games should still be fun. But still...
Phoenix: 4-1

Denver Nuggets vs. Utah Jazz

Denver Nuggets
Kup: I knew you had potential, lad.

Is Carmelo Anthony really ready to ascend into the upper echelon? Will he be a Barkley or a Bird? A Kemp or a Kobe? Speaking of Kobe, don't be fooled by his last second heroics this year, Carmelo was secretly the best crunchtime player this season. Give Chauncey Billups another year to gel with the Nuggets after being traded from Detroit in '08-'09 and a solid supporting cast that's coming off a competitive Playoff series last year and it sounds like you have yourself an honest to goodness contender.

Utah Jazz
Hot Rod: We can't hold out forever, Kup. But, we can give them one humongous repair bill.

Deron Williams is one of the best pure Point Guards today. Jerry Sloan is still one of the best coaches. But the Jazz still seem unable to distance themselves from the middle of the Western Conference pack.

The Pick:
These teams are pretty evenly matched, with the slight edge to Denver. But Utah plays so well at home that this series could easily go 7. And I think it will.
Denver: 4-3


Round Two: FIGHT!

Eastern Conference Semi-Finals
Cleveland Cavaliers vs. Miami Heat

Cleveland Cavaliers
StarScream: Who disrupts my coronation?!
Galvatron: Coronation, StarScream? This is bad comedy.
StarScream: Megatron? Is that you?
Galvatron: Here's a hint!

Miami Heat
Instruments of destruction
Tools of foul play
It’s a violent eruption
Existence drips away

The Pick:
I’ll admit it, part of the reason I turned heel on my beloved Celtics was because I desperately want to see a LeBron James vs. Dwyane Wade Playoff Series. Who doesn’t? Plus, it’s always at least slightly intriguing to see Shaq go up against one of his former sidekicks (actually, in this case, Shaq was D-Wade’s sidekick, but it’s hard to consider a 7 foot, 300 pound man anyone’s sidekick). When it comes down to it, LeBron is a slightly better player on a much better team. But how long can we keep referring to him as King James when he doesn’t even have an NBA Crown yet (and Dwyane Wade does)?
Cleveland: 4-2

Orlando Magic vs. Atlanta Hawks

Orlando Magic
StarScream: Pathetic fools! There's no escape! Oh, my foot!

Atlanta Hawks
RC: I was afraid you'd be trapped outside the city.
Hot Rod: Hey, I wasn't worried for a micro-second.
RC: Then you probably didn't understand the situation.

The Pick:
The Orlando Magic are going to shoot themselves in the foot, as long as the Hawks stay calm and let them. Vince will go into some sort of funk and start chucking bad jump shots. Dwight Howard, as dominant as he is, really doesn’t have much of an offensive game. He has a nasty (and not in a good way; well, for him, at least) slingshot hook shot. That’s it. He will definitely out-beast you down low and get easy put backs, but Vince’s inevitable bad long-range jumpers mean long rebounds. But still, this is a series the Magic, the defending Eastern Conference Champions, should win. This should be as easy as StarScream trying to pick off RC and Springer as they’re trying to transform Autobot City. Oh, wait. They got away. And he shot himself in the foot. Besides, the Hawks are in danger of becoming the Matt Hardy of the Eastern Conference. They need to do something to elevate themselves from the midcard, or fans will never take them seriously as potential contender.
Atlanta Hawks: 4-3

Western Conference Semi-Finals
Los Angeles Lakers vs. Denver Nuggets

Los Angeles Lakers
Ultra Magnus: Brace for impact! Say something. Anything.
Springer: Remind me to give the Auto-pilot a raise.

Denver Nuggets
Hot Rod: They're closing on us!
Kup: Yup, like the Shrike Bats of Dramadon.
Hot Rod: How'd you beat that?
Kup: I'm trying to remember, there were an awful lot of casualties. Oh, yeah, we invented polarities!

The Pick:
These two teams met last year in the Playoffs with the Lakers coming out on top. How does each team compare to their 2009 counterpart? The Nuggets are a little better, mostly because Carmelo Anthony is better. The Lakers swapped Ariza for Artest, which was actually a slight downgrade; but overall they’re playing better than they were last year. Which means that the Lakers are still better than the Nuggets. It also won’t help that the Thunder will probably have kicked the Lakers out of auto-pilot and into Playoff Mode.
Los Angeles: 4-2

Dallas Mavericks vs. Phoenix Suns

Dallas Mavericks
SoundWave: SoundWave superior. Constructicons inferior.
Scavenger: Who are you calling inferior?
Hook: Nobody would follow an uncharismatic bore like you.
Rumble: Hey, nobody calls SoundWave unchrassimatic!

Phoenix Suns
Hunger
I want it so bad I can taste it
It drives me mad to see it wasted
When I need it so bad that it's burnin' me
I'm hungry
I'd do anything to get it and feel no regret
Time is running out and I ain't found it yet

The Pick:
The year after Steve Nash left Dallas and signed with Phoenix there was much talk about Nash being MVP because the Suns instantly got better and won many more games. I, on the other hand, found it curious that the Mavericks never really seemed to miss Nash. Oh, don’t get me wrong, they’d be better with him. In fact, I’d rather have Nash on my time than Dirk. It just seemed odd to me that Dirk seemed to come out on the short end of the stick, as far as public perception goes. After all, the Mavericks have remained in the top tier of the Western Conference ever since Nash left, even making it to the Finals in 2006, where they ran into Dwyane Wade and some dubious officiating. Nash, despite all his MVP awards, has never made it to the Finals. Sure, he’s had his share bad luck and his team spent half a season trying to the play the exact opposite way that they should be, but the fact remains that the Dallas Mavericks reached a level that Nash’s Suns never have. Yet, Nash continues to be the Media Darling. Why? Because he’s more charismatic than Dirk Nowitzki. Nash’s teams are always more fun to watch than Dirk’s, what, with all the fast breaks and behind the back passes. Who cares about Playoff success? Don’t you think this leads to the way they’re portrayed on TV? Nash is always shown smiling. Dirk is shown snarling. Nash was David Letterman’s NBA Playoff correspondent. Dirk was snarling. Nash is Canadian. Dirk is German. And still snarling. Snarling Germans do not go over will in these United States. Dirk also has the misfortune of having the most awkward MVP presentation after he was ousted in the First Round by the Warriors. It was David Stern and Dirk trying to fight back a snarl. Or maybe it’s his name. Dirk? It’s kind of hard to root for someone named Dirk isn’t it? Whatever it is, perhaps this series will help give Dirk a little boost in the PR department (and boy, could he use it).
Dallas: 4-3

Conference Finals

Cleveland Cavaliers vs. Atlanta Hawks

Cleveland Cavaliers
Megatron: Constructicons, merge for the kill!

Atlanta Hawks
Perceptor: Do you think you got through to Prime?
Blaster: Let's hope so, cause if I didn't we're all gonna look like burnt out toaster ovens.

The Pick:
This close to the Finals, LeBron will smell blood and go for the kill.
Cleveland: 4-1

Los Angeles Lakers vs. Dallas Mavericks

Los Angeles Lakers
Galvatron: First, Prime. Then, Ultra Magnus. And now, you. It's a pity you Autobots die so easily or I might have a sense of satisfaction now.

Dallas Mavericks
RC: Did we have to let them detonate three-quarters of the ship?
Springer: Seeing as how they would have detonated four-quarters, I think it was good choice.
RC: But now how are we gonna get there in this wreck?

The Pick:
Dallas may have had a chance had they not been through the previous war with Phoenix. And with Kobe and the Lakers clicking on all cylinders and in full-on Playoff Mode, I don’t think there’s much the Mavs can do about it.
Los Angeles: 4-2

NBA Finals
Optimus Prime: One shall stand. One shall fall.
Megatron: Why throw away your life so recklessly?
Optimus Prime: That's a question you should ask yourself, Megatron.
Megatron: No! I'll crush you with my bare hands!

Cleveland Cavaliers vs. Los Angeles

Cleveland Cavaliers
Optimus Prime: Megatron must be stopped, no matter the cost.

Los Angeles Lakers
Megatron: No more, Optimus Prime. Grant me mercy, I beg of you.
Optimus Prime: You? Who are without mercy, now plead for it? I thought you were made of sterner stuff.

The Pick:
You're at your best when when the goin' gets rough
You've been put to the test, but it's never enough
You got the touch
You got the power

Winner, and NEEEEEEEEWWWWW Basketball Champions of the Wooooooooooorrrrrrld!
Cleveland: 4-2